Thursday, February 23, 2012

There Are No Ordinary Moments


Dear Michael,

Okay, so first off...I know you think me the most smartest dad in the world ever, but I have to confess that the title of this letter isn't mine. In fact, you should recognize it from Dan Millman's book, Way of the Peaceful Warrior, which I'm sure I've made you read by now.

Anyways...

Today your mom worked a 24 hour shift so it was just us guys hanging out around the house, and I don't exaggerate when I say that you wore me out completely. Out of the many things I love about you, I absolutely love that you are already demonstrating very keen powers of observation and deductive reasoning. One of the many challenges I face as your dad...that you have very keen powers of observation and deductive reasoning. You have an uncanny ability to know just how much to do and what to say to push the boundaries - all the while making it hard not to laugh when I should be angry with you. Rest assured, I have it all on video and WILL be showing it to every date that you bring over to the house, so there's that.

I had this great thought that I wanted to share with you about the merits and pitfalls about emotions...and then I read the news today. I suppose this article is somewhat related but, after I read this story, I felt that there was something important out of it that I wanted to share with you. The story I read was about a nine year old girl who died as a result of being forced to run around her house for three hours as punishment for lying about eating a candy bar. Apparently, the little girl lied to her grandmother about was told to run around her house. Three hours later, and still running, the girl fell into convulsions as a result of severe dehydration and, sadly, passed away a few days later. At the time that I'm writing this to you, the girl's stepmother and grandmother are in jail and awaiting arraignment.

Reading the reactions from people regarding this...well, it all pretty much boiled down to "Let's do the same to them until they drop dead" and "I would never do that" types of comments. I'm quite sure I'll have something to share about these kind of comments down the road and the dangers of rushing to judgment. These comments, however, pretty much address the obvious takeaway from this story; mainly focusing on the negligence, and possible abuse, of this little girl. Let me just say here and now that I am neither belittling these opinions, nor downplaying the tragic nature of this story...it always breaks my heart when I see a child, or any life, being needlessly taken away. What makes this so difficult for me is that this story did not even need to happen for reasons that I feel are important enough to share with you now.

As a parent, especially as a first time father, one of the things I am most concerned about are those times when your behavior - whether funny or otherwise - warrants correction. In my heart, I always worry about the effect that my punishment now will have on your life in the future. I worry that, if I punish you too severely, you might grow up to be angry, mistrustful, or deceitful. After all, one of the reasons that people lie is that they are afraid of the consequences of their actions or, more to the point, the person administering the punishment. I don't ever want you to be afraid of me, and you should be able to come to me with anything, and know that whatever comes out of it, you will ALWAYS have your father's love. On the other hand, should I punish you too weakly, or not at all, I fear that you will not come to understand that there are boundaries that need to always be respected, and grow up to be disrespectful, opportunistic, or downright brutish towards others. Do you see why I had grey hair?

What I see in this story, and what I hope you will take away is that we must always be diligent and purposeful in everything we do - especially in our encounters with others. Words are powerful, and actions always have consequences - intended or otherwise. We all, in every moment, responsible for ourselves and for the people around us. Now, I'm sure that when you tell people that, they will scoff and tell you that you're only responsible for yourself, but I want you to really think about this; if words are powerful and our actions have consequences, isn't it reasonable to think that we all have the ability to affect how a person thinks or feels about themselves or the world around them? If this is the case, would you rather that person affect the world around them in a positive, caring and constructive way, or in a selfish, destructive way. Regardless of what people think, we don't live in a vacuum - never forget that.

Based on my experience, I don't believe that this little girl's grandmother and stepmother were intentionally trying to cause harm to her. Moreover, the form of punishment was certainly less egregious than beating her or worse. No, I feel that the greater tragedy here is that her grandmother and stepmother neglected to be diligent in their actions - not paying attention to what they were doing, or even forgetting about her all together. The moment we take our actions for granted, we invite disaster. As your father, whenever I feel the need to punish you, it is important that I do so mindfully and considerately...stop laughing! It's true! I never punish you when I'm overly angry, save to send you to your room until I can act more rationally. I do this because I fear what may happen if I act impulsively toward you without thought...to you and to myself. My hope is that one day, you will come to do the same with your children.

Remember that there are no ordinary moments. Every moment is deserving of our maximum attention and effort. Already, you show yourself to be very powerful in your words and your actions. You have an incredible heart for others, and I don't want you to ever lose that. There aren't enough men in this world that aren't afraid to put it out there like you are already showing yourself willing to do. That said, always remember the power in your words, the strength of your actions, and always remember that there is a grave responsibility that comes with such strength. 

More later!

Love,

Your Dad