Find your Own Way

Dear Michael,

Yesterday, I bought you a toy. Now, while you may not think much about this now because of all of the toys you have enjoyed playing with as a child, there is a certain significance to it. Up until now I have never, on my own accord, bought you a toy. Usually, when toys make their way home, your mother and I will agree on something and she will go out and actually buy them, or she will simply see something she thinks you will like and gets it...and don't even get me started on your grandparents or your uncle. Before you go thinking that you've had a lazy dad, let me explain...

Because of the work that your mother does, it has typically worked out that I get to spend more time with you - meaning that I have had more opportunities to enjoy playtime with you. One thing that I have noticed, though, is that when your mom sits down to shop for you, she gets this certain gleam in her eyes - I suspect from imagining you playing with the toy and smiling that amazing smile of yours. In my mind, I made the decision a long time ago that, because of the fact that the time we get to spend with you is sometimes way unbalanced, there were certain things that I would not encroach on certain aspects of the relationship between you and your mom. You mom is The Toybringer, because that is something that she can do for you that can be her thing. Your relationship with your mom is a very special thing...one that not every child is able to experience. As much as I enjoy our relationship, it gives me joy to watch you and your mom enjoying that special time that you share.

Oh, in case you can't remember, the toy I got you was a Nerf six-shooter, and you loved it. So much so that your mom and I had to go out and arm ourselves with Nerf guns for our own protection!

I want to share a quote with you from a very old book entitled, Hagakure, which I'm sure I have since given to you, so you may even remember this one. The quote is this: " It is bad when one thing becomes two. One should not look for anything else in the Way of the Samurai. It is the same for anything that is called a Way. If one understands things in this manner, he should be able to hear about all Ways, and be more and more in accord with his own."

I thought about this quote as I was watching some political talk show where, what was initially a fairly objective discussion on the subject, quickly turned into a free-for-all. Republicans started blaming Democrats, who responded by name-calling and dismissing any of the points that were being made. On top of that, the host of the show, who goes out of the way to claim impartiality, jumped in and slammed one side. It wasn't too long that I just had to change the channel to something infinitely more intellectually satisfying...Black Dynamite!

Anyway, this isn't a discussion about political affiliation - it goes deeper than that. We live in a world that is becoming increasingly cynical and intolerant, almost on a daily basis. No matter what the issue, it seems that the discussion inevitably devolves into one side telling the other why they are right and they other side is wrong, and dumb, for what they believe. Whether its politics, religion, race relations, immigration, or the infamous debate between Coke and Pepsi, it seems that we have forgotten what it means to be able to disagree without becoming disagreeable.

Son, as you continue to grow and learn more about yourself and the world around you, you will come to form your own principles and beliefs. These principles and beliefs will bring you closer to some people, and set you apart from others, depending on whether or not their beliefs line up with yours. As such, you will come across things that are contrary to what you hold to be true, and people who will want to try to convince you to believe as they believe.

Now, I'm not telling you that once you believe something, you need to reject everything else. In fact, it is vital that, when faced with something that contradicts what you believe, you should carefully consider what is presented with an open mind and be willing to change or modify your beliefs if doing so will lend itself to making you better in some way. However, until that moment comes when you are presented something that warrants such change, trust in yourself and your convictions, and be steadfast.

As I mentioned, you will meet many people who will want to convince you that their Way is THE Way. Some of these people will do so because they genuinely believe that their belief is the right one, and they may be right. You will, no doubt, be such a person to another as we all are in some way at some point in our lives. Some people will try to get you to change because it serves some end or alternative purpose. Politicians and cult leaders often fit into this category. By the way, its not a mistake that I put politicians and cult leaders in the same sentence...we'll talk about that another time.

Then, there are people who will try to get you to change for no other reason than because to do so is a demonstration of power and authority over you. Often, these type of people don't even believe what they are telling you that you should believe and will, should you decide to assume their position, turn around and ridicule or humiliate you to others who will call you weak or stupid for allowing yourself to be led  down that path so easily. We are told from the quote that one "should be able to hear about all ways and be more and more in accord with his own." Being presented with different beliefs and views is like being presented with a mirror...one in which we are forced to take a look at ourselves and what we believe. Just like we look into a mirror to check our appearance, when we look into this mirror we either accept what we see, or we make adjustments until we are satisfied with the finished product.

We see ourselves though  diversity and, if we are satisfied with what we see, we remain steadfast; or, if we see something that can be improved, we can make adjustments. Seeing ourselves thought diversity is another topic we'll talk about later. Keeping with the example of the mirror, remember that not all mirrors are true reflections - some are warped, giving us a distorted view like one that we would find at a fun-house. Always be diligent when presented with something that challenges your beliefs: consider not only what is being presented to you, but the presenter as well.

The Way, as referred to in the Hagakure, is not fixed - as it might initially appear. There will be times when your view of yourself or the world will changes - sometimes because it feels right, and sometimes because it is necessary. It helps if you look at the Way as a path in which you are walking. Occasionally, while walking a path, you come to a fork, with paths branching off in different directions. In order to keep moving forward, you will need to choose a path...maybe even choosing a path that you originally thought to be the wrong direction. You cannot go down both paths, and trying to do so will most likely get you lost. Even once you've chosen a path, don't be too proud, or afraid, to admit to yourself that you went down the wrong path, and go back and choose another. That is what it means to learn and grow.

The complexity of this quote, and the message it conveys, is something that I cannot cover in a single letter - entire volumes of books over the centuries have tried to explain its meaning. Ironically, not all of those volumes support the same interpretation. Always keep an open mind, and do not shy away from opinions, beliefs, or values that conflict with your own. Be steadfast, but also be prepared to embrace difference, and be willing to change, or even abandon, something you believe if, in doing so, you will become a better, wiser, more understanding person.

More later!

Love,

You Dad