Life is Change

Dear Michael,

Very recently, the two of us were watching a movie before bed, and as we were sitting there, you on my lap, I just felt the sudden urge to tell you how much I love you. I looked over at you and said, "Michael, I love you very much." Now, I've told you this many times before, and make it a point to tell you every day that I love you. This time, however, you looked back up at me and, without missing a beat, you hugged me, and said, "That's why I came to you, Daddy!" I was stunned as your words echoed through my mind, as well as my heart. All I could do was hug you until you brought me back to earth when you told me, Daddy, move! I can't see the movie!" You amaze me every day, and every day you reveal just how special you truly are.

I wanted to take a moment and share my thoughts with you on something that I read a couple of weeks ago, and from which I feel it is important for you to find understanding. A very good friend of mine, who just happens to be smarter than me, shared an article that discusses the impact of "first" events in a person's life. The article talks about how the outcomes of events such as a first date, first kiss, or first breakup, can have a ripple effect - influencing future encounters and behaviors based on how we deal with those events. The topic is something that, on the surface, is not really that big of a mystery and something that I believe most of us have an idea about. As I read the article, however, I came across something - a quote - that I found really interesting and, in my own experiences, quite poignant.

The quote came from a psychologist who specializes in loss and grief, and reads: "We're wired for attachment in a world of impermanence. How we negotiate that tension shapes who we become." I found this thought to be the most interesting in the article because its something that is not really talked about often, and its something that we scarcely dare to admit to ourselves. In fact, I believe that many of the problems that we all deal with in one form or fashion stem from this idea of the internal struggle between what we believes should still be our lives and what no longer is - particularly when it comes to interpersonal relationships. Now, someone might read that quote and immediately see it as pessimistic, fatalistic, or some other -istic word, especially in a world that tells us that we should never give up and that love conquers all. I challenge you to look deeper and consider what we are really being told.

Life is change. This is especially true when it comes to the people that move into, and out of, our lives. Call it what you will - purpose, destiny, fate, karma - each of us has to walk our own path in life. There will be times in your life when your path will intersect with others, and sometimes your paths will run in the same direction...maybe even to the same place. As you continue to grow, you will come to have friends in your life that will feel as close as family, and you will find that you have people around you that seek to connect with you in varying ways. There's a very real, very exciting feeling that comes with making these connections, and the feeling that we are not alone or that we matter to someone is very powerful. Being such a strong feeling, our natural response is to cling to these connections and feelings and protect them at all costs. As the quote suggests, there is a part of us that greatly appreciates and desires these connections for reasons that, if I were to try to discuss them all, would turn this letter into a book (books were items that we used to use which had words and illustrations printed on paper and bound together which we read.)

By no means am I telling you to avoid making connections and having relationships with people. In fact, I'm telling you that it is important to make connections with people, and to cherish and protect those connections for as long as it remains possible to do so. What I hope you take a way from this is that not all relationships are forever, and its important to understand that. As I mentioned earlier, each of us has a path to walk, and only we can walk it. Sometimes, those paths that come together separate and go in different directions. When it comes to people in our lives, sometimes life takes them in different directions. Sometimes, a relationship becomes more toxic and hurtful than positive and it becomes important to distance ourselves from it. Sometimes, we take a direction in our own lives that others cannot follow, and they end up having to leave us to our own path. Sometimes...we lose people. This is a part of life, and its not always a matter of if, but when, our relationships change.

 Does knowing this make separation any easier? Probably not, but my hope for you is not that you won't give people a chance to make a connection or not care when people leave. My hope for you is that, when they do, you won't let the loss stop you from caring about yourself or others, and will not let it keep you from reaching your goals in life. Loss can be a crippling thing if you allow it to detach you from those around you. Understand that loss, and change, is a part of the world in which you live and, in some cases, necessary for us to learn and move forward. When loss comes, don't let it cripple you. Celebrate the connection you had and what it brought to your life, leaving the door open whenever possible...you never know what may come back to you. Had I not left a door open years ago, I never would have been blessed with the love that your mother has brought to my life, and the son who "came to me" might not be here today to teach me to look at the world through the heart I thought lost long ago.

Remember, life is change. We are not called to resist change and become rooted and inflexible. We are called to flow, change, and accept that which changes around, or within, us.

More later!

Love,

Your Dad